I am going to be completely honest and say that these last weeks have been really fucking rough.
I’m sure you can relate in your own special way. In the face of this known danger we reside in a space of the disruption from whatever we experienced as normal in our lives. We are deep in the liminal space and don’t really have much, if anything, to hold onto. All that I know is that there is a shift happening.
For me, it’s been testing the way that I interact and put faith into the universe and the personal process of transformation. I returned from Peru in mid-February, fully prepared to step out of one world and into a new one where I give all of myself to this work. The universe asked me to give up all sense of security to follow the path of my higher potential.
I had a plan.
As I write those last 4 words I realize how contrary it is to the previous statement. But I did, I really had a plan. That plan was to quit the job that offered me a stable income and put all that energy into my dreams. I was sick of supporting someone else’s dream at the cost of my own. I was tired of working in an environment that equated to an abusive relationship where I was always fighting for recognition, a relationship where I was never valued for who I was and what I was capable of. So I did it, and it was exactly what needed to happen. But at that time I didn’t know what was to come next…
That is more than any of us expected. If I had any sense of security before, a global pandemic stripped that clean away. And you know what, I’m afraid. Not because I fear my own death. No, not that. That might even be a more reasonable fear at the moment. Do you want to know what I am really scared of? Not being able to support myself, not being able to pay my rent, not being able to eat my next meal, not being able to… have enough.
Again and again I am faced with this dilemma. I have such an intolerable relationship with scarcity. There is a dragon that lives in the back of my mind, hording its treasures and feasting on the fears and insecurities I unconsciously feed it, growing ever stronger and wiser to my self-avoidant games. He is always hungry, he is always eating. This insatiable hunger will be my death, not a virus.
I want so badly to live an abundant life. I want to have the faith that I will be provided for as I walk the path I am called to walk. In my mind I believe it, yet my heart is so hardened like a stone from the traumas of the past that it will not allow itself to be opened to it. Ever since I have become aware of this tragic reality I can feel the pain in such a real way. There is a child in there, waiting to be freed, waiting for the world to not hurt anymore, waiting to experience the love that he was promised this world held. On certain special moments he lets me talk with him. I tell him that it’s okay, that I am here and I will always be here. I tell him that it’s okay to be afraid. I tell him that whatever he is feeling that it is okay, I will not judge. I tell him that he is special, and he is wanted in this world.
I tell him that I love him.
I tell him what I, at age 34, want to be told. We are one and the same, this child and me. Not so much has changed in the internal landscape as I’ve aged on the outside. We just want to be loved, and know that we are seen, heard, and cared for. We want to know that we are wanted here, that there is a purpose to our being here. That is what would give us security, and that is what has been missing.
In the weeks up to my departure from Peru I thought that my purpose was clear and that I was to leap into this unknown and all would be provided. I see now that that was an illusion of my mind. I’ve been navigating these past few weeks feeling like I leapt off a cliff and am now in a never ending free fall. When I jumped the faith was there that I am being guided and held by Great Spirit. Yet in the moments of falling I find myself gripped in fear and over and over again reaching for what I hope are rip cords that will deploy the parachute that will slow the descent to save my life. And every single time I pull what I think is a ripcord nothing happens, it breaks loose in my hands and I am left with a flimsy piece of string flailing in the wind. And in every one of those moments a voice from deep within speaks to me with a single word: surrender.
Of course, it must be surrender. This was the teaching from the medicine work I did in Peru. In my last ceremony before leaving she broke through the stone walls imprisoning my wounded heart to tell me this: constant surrender and faith in the medicine is the only way forward at this time. I am being asked to make the shift into a new way of living, one in which the past and fear does not guide my every action. Only through the process of surrender will I be able to meet the demands of these moments. Only through surrender can I approach the world with a sense of wonder, and welcome in whatever great mystery is waiting for me next. Only then can I continue to step into my potential as a healer and offer the service that I chose to be here for.
We are all being called to something more. This is the huge shift that 2020 is bringing. I never expected Corona Virus to be one of the agents of change but of course it is the perfect challenge that will bring us the medicine we need, collectively and individually. On the global level we are already seeing a change in the way we approach hygiene and an increase in the culture of consent, two things that are a huge step in shifting our way of relating to each other and the natural world. And something very cool that is coming from the isolation that is necessary to stop the spread of the virus is the increase in our connections through the use of technology. There are more people exploring online meetings and offerings, myself included. Indeed it is a special time.
So I thank you for reading my heart pourings, and implore you to look inside and see what this is bringing for you. Not much astrology talk in this one, mostly my story. But of course it’s never divided. As above, so below; as without, so within. Look outside of you and look within you and find what needs to transform into something new. There is gold in there somewhere.
Godspeed you great Alchemists.